Losing Fans Movie audiences have shrunk to 10-year lows. Which means Hollywood can get away with continuing to remake all the movies we’re not seeing now. Obama Promise President Obama is now promising that unemployment will be down to 8% by election day… and back up to 10% the days after when he and his whole administration are out of work. Read More »

December 11th 1282: Llywelyn the Last, the last native Prince of Wales, is killed at Cilmeri. He probably should have known something was up when he got the whole “the Last” name and all. 2001: The People’s Republic of China joins the World Trade Organization… and immediately pirates all of its products. Read More »

December 10th 1508: The League of Cambrai is formed by Pope Julius II, Louis XII of France, Maximilian I, Holy Roman Emperor and Ferdinand II of Aragon. Its stated purpose was to form an alliance against Venice, but it was really mostly about fantasy football. 1899: Delta Sigma Phi Fraternity is founded at the City College of New York. Read More »

December 10th 1905: In France, the law separating church and state is passed. It quickly becomes almost as popular as the law separating French people from deodorant. 1953: General Electric announces that all communist employees will be discharged from the company… they all later get jobs at GM. 1966: Barbados joins the United Nations. Read More »

Pipeline Connection Republicans are willing to extend the payroll tax holiday if President Obama stops blocking the heavy job-creating construction of the Keystone Pipeline. The President has strongly rejected the idea because he only wants Americans to get a payroll tax cut, he never said anything about getting them on a payroll. Read More »

DC Jobs The Washington, DC area’s jobless rate remains much lower than the national numbers at 6.1%. Of course, the rate of people in Washington who are actually WORKING at their jobs is about 3.1%. Online Spending Consumers spent $18.7 billion online in the first month of the holiday season… Read More »

New Planet Astronomers have discovered an Earth-like planet 600 light years away that appears to be able to sustain human life. Don’t get too excited, it probably needs a bailout too. New Planet II Scientists have discovered an Earth-like planet 600 light years away that appears to be able to sustain human life. Read More »

Postal Cuts The Post Office is set to announce major service cuts today… and since the details of these cuts are so vital, it’s sending them to all the major newspapers via FedEx. Yahoo! Blue The Wall Street Journal reports that the 14,000 workers at Yahoo! are looking for other jobs. Read More »

December 4th 1783: At Fraunces Tavern in New York City, US General George Washington formally bids his officers farewell… then he tragically loses all their email addresses. 1943: President Franklin D. Roosevelt closes down the Works Progress Administration, because of the high levels of wartime employment. Read More »

December 3rd 1927: Putting Pants on Philip, the first Laurel and Hardy film, is released. The sequel, Taking Pants off Philip, came out in 1977 and was an entirely different kind of film. 1976: An assassination attempt is made on Bob Marley. He is shot twice, but the bullets become lost forever somewhere in his dreads. Read More »

iPhone Controversy Pro Choice activisits are enraged because the “Siri” feature on the new iPhone will not tell you where the nearest abortion clinic is. They’re also angry because instead, Siri tells male users to “try a condom next time” and female users to “stop being such a skank. Read More »

Egypt Elections Radical Islamists are leading so far in the Egyptian elections. That means the next time we’ll see large crowds gathering in Tahrir Square, it’ll be for a public stoning. S&P Slam S&P has downgraded six major U.S. banks because they have too much exposure to Europe. Of course, a little air freshener should fix that. Read More »

Frank Quitting After 30 years in Congress, Barney Frank is retiring. He says he now realizes his dream job would be to work as an assistant coach at Syracuse or Penn State. Bail Out Europe? President Obama says the U.S. is willing to “do its part” to help Europe avoid an economic crisis… Read More »

Indian Fight A huge controversy is brewing in India after the government invited foreign supermarket chains into the country. The people are outraged that none of the new stores will have a express checkout aisle for 12,000 items or less. Read More »

November 27th 176: Emperor Marcus Aurelius makes his son Commodus Supreme Commander of the Roman legions… it was either that or give him that dangerous BB gun he wanted for Christmas. 1830: St. Read More »

November 26th 783: The Asturian queen Adosinda is put up in a monastery to prevent her kin from retaking the throne.. but also to stop her from dating that older guy with the tattoo. 1917: The National Hockey League is formed… mostly to give Canadians a better excuse for not having teeth. Read More »

November 24th 1941: The United States grants Lend-Lease weapons to the anti-Nazi French… all two of them. 1950: The town of Pickens, West Virginia records 57 inches of snow, severely endangering that year’s mud crop. 1969: The Apollo 12 command module splashes down safely in the Pacific Ocean… Read More »

China Slowdown China’s manufacturing sector is reporting major slowdowns. In a relates story, the UAW is continuing it tour of several Chinese factories. Fed Test The Fed is going to test the big U.S. banks to see if they could withstand a European economic collapse. Luckily, the guy giving the test is Jon Corzine. Read More »

Fur Ban The city of West Hollywood has banned the sale of fur. Now the only unintelligent animal you can exploit in that town is Kim Kardashian. Debt Failure The leading financial ratings agencies say the failure of the deficit supercommittee won’t lead them to make another U.S. downgrade after all. Read More »

Water is Bad Because environmentalist politicians hate the bottled water companies, it is now illegal in Europe to say that drinking water can help you avoid dehydration. It might work, we all know that Europeans already believe that showering regularly doesn’t make you cleaner. Read More »