I’ve barely slept this week. All thoughts of Father, grieving have been transplanted by therapist and the impending abandonment when sessions end in a few weeks. Its as though my entire being vibrates with pain, sexual and from weeping. The feelings that everywhere you look, that the object of your love is there, right there… Read More »

If you cannot love, you might as well be 6ft under. Its like living in a desert. I actually forgot what a woman can feel like, kept saying I’m too old now to think about anything but preparing for end of life. This has less to do with illness than just feeling like a failure at relationships and never finding someone to return love. Read More »

The study admins know I’m in the process of writing a memoir-an initiative for me to do this study was to be able ‘fix myself’ by focusing on buried years and develop ability for healthy attachments. Its never been a problem to write about or for other people. Read More »

I left this week’s session after briefly discussing transference w/ therapist as directed by program director-slight point to be made-I’m not normally a person to do as directed simply because I’m ordered, there’s always room for me to ponder and Read More »

…even going into the study with what I thought were honest intentions, this evening while reading a book wholly on another subject, a thought occured, I’ve recreated a father in my imagination that was caring, loving and attentive even though the Read More »

In the 3-4 week of CG sessions I had in the back of my mind that I would have to inevitably deal with separation; this is always like a death/mourning for me. As mentioned previously, it happens with colleagues, years while mourning the separation of my children…and my father, the reason for participating in this intense study. Read More »

Complicated grief is NOT about a bad marriage or not getting a super job to have a big house and 3 cars etc. Read More »

Being someone who always cautioned colleagues and students about disclosing mental illness, this is my ‘coming out of the closet’ in many ways. Would I come out while professionally working, NO. Read More »

THIS ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED IN THE JERUSALEM POST 1.2.0.12 Website at end tells you where to email to offer support for the Nahlaot community. ‘He masterminded systematic rape of over 100 kids’ By MELANIE LIDMAN01/20/2012 03: 24 Nahlaot community reels from largest pedophile abuse case in nation’s history; at least three of 10 suspects remain free. Read More »

This session followed an intense week for me because I was again very upset with the audio tape, therapist called to discuss it (after staff obviously co-reviewed it) and told me to FOCUS on visualizing and not editorializing, something anyone here who reads what I write, knows I do this. Read More »

Forgiveness is not on the menu for these sessions. The focus is calling a spade a spade and leaving denial in Egypt. Read More »

This past week began the actual work of audio taping. I’m asked to place myself mentally at scene of where I was at the time, how I heard of death of father and describe every detail, how I heard the news, what I felt, what I did, what I saw. Read More »

This week begins a period of sessions where I must visualize and describe the moment I heard of father’s death, where I was, what I saw, what went on, who was there-the ‘who what where why and when’ These sessions are taped, I have given the tapes, the therapist makes his own copy simultaneously. Read More »

I’m nobody, Who are you? I’m nobody! Who are you?Are you nobody, too?Then there’s a pair of us — don’t tell!They’d banish us, you know. How dreary to be somebody!How public, like a frog To tell your name the livelong dayTo an admiring bog! So many ways to read this, unlike much poetry. Read More »

No in-person sessions until next week (first week 1.2012), so its almost 2 weeks of working alone but its grueling because its alot of dredging up the past through journaling, notes and memory work. So a couple of thoughts, if these are redundant, my apologies..seems I tend to tell the same tales over and over. 1. Read More »

Chassidisha maydel leaves klal,does tschuvah returns after quarter century in goyische velt. Ous yid ken men vern-ous khusid ken men nisht vern Tuesday, December 27, 2011 Hemingway Read this fragment quote from A Farewell to Arms this afternoon- …The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places . Read More »

Chassidisha maydel leaves klal,does tschuvah returns after quarter century in goyische velt. Ous yid ken men vern-ous khusid ken men nisht vern Sunday, December 25, 2011 Complicated Christmas Grief christmas was always complicated as a child. it began with my sister and me begging my Jewish father to let us bring in a real tree, a small tree. Read More »

One might think that living in a frozen zone the brain would shut up, but thoughts continue to pile up for sorting out. A second radiant heater in the main room has helped alot, at least it can be turned on like a tiny fireplace, totally silent and so warming to be near. I’ve decided that to move somewhere else is not an option for now at least. Read More »

Posted by RachelbasSarah Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook 0 comments: Post a Comment Older PostHome Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) 1998 CASE Circle of Excellence Awards Program Council for Advancement and Support of Read More »

Posted by RachelbasSarah Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook 0 comments: Post a Comment Older PostHome Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) 1998 CASE Circle of Excellence Awards Program Council for Advancement and Support of Read More »